back_alley_john

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 07:20:03 GMT

i just can't bring myself to write about feelings. whenver i'm hella "emotional" i'm too upset to clarify other than i'm fucking upset, or pissed, or seconds away from listening to morrisey. but then when i calm down, what ever was bothering me just doesn't fucking matter anymore. im not one of those people that feels any sort of catharsis from releasing baggage. actually, to be honest, i dont think i'm the type of person that ever experiences any sort of catharsis or uplifting moments. oh sure, i got the good and the bad same as the next person, its just that nothing totally comforts me. the closest things that do, i've been conditioned to feel guilty about. not that that's a cop out, its just how my brain has developed, along with the help of outside pressure, to make sure that the pressure in my head doesn't cause it to fucking pop.

thats' why im a post-nowist now. because the present sucks, the past makes me miserable, and the future is one big scary unknown.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 19:41:46 GMT

iwish someone could tell me what the next step should be. not to mean i want my life dictated for me, merely just some sort of framework that i might be able to grasp the context from.

we're approachig the singularity

i wish i was a gun slinger

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 13:10:45 GMT

i keeps trying to play by my own rules but bullshit keeps getting in the way.

"this is like what normal people do"

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 12:46:08 GMT

but in reverse. trying to utilize the day and my time just doesn't seem to be working out to well. too many projects left unfinished. and maybe i'm putting a little too much into being able to say fuck it and crawl into bed with a such a fucking amzing person. i love Jenna.

i also love feeling productive.

and being fed and housed.

note to self, make KC DIY comp STL release flyer

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 11:00:24 GMT

im not sure if it sucks, but maybe it does suck when you have a gnawing idea in the back of your head but instead of working with it you spend a night with friends talking about various ideas. maybe cause there was jazz playing in the background is why i feel so off-put or what not.

punching dick in 2006

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 08:37:14 GMT

these past few weeks have been fucking rad.

i dunno if it's the bike-able weather or

the fact that i got a job, as a manager? or

that i have no more cast inhibiting my movements or

if its scraping together change to buy soy milk and brownie mix with a pretty, tough as nails lady

or repping the blunt punx all over town or

running into friends on your respective ways home

"where you coming from?"
" a mexican dance party that let out as i was walking down the sidewalk. you?"

"i was looking at some house that looks like doctor strange lives inside, protecting the mortal coil from nefarious spirits."
"alright, i gotta keep heading home"

what the fuck

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 13:56:12 GMT

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. a whole lot of dumb shit keeps piling up, shit that i need money to pay for. so i have taken a job working the grave yard shift at a coffee shop. too bad my manager doesn't smoke "reefer" as she said.

goddamnit. i'd write more but my thoughts keep escaping me. which is the direct opposite of what i need right now. what the fuck am i doin?

I shit GOLD!

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 12:48:15 GMT

it's true. 12 page research paper? oh yea, met that requirement in, oh, maybe 2 and a half night's worth of work. I fucking rule at life right now.

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 11:01:38 GMT

i can't write a signle fucking line right. fuck

i think i'm fucking swooning

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 08:04:02 GMT

all's well

good porch weather

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 22:13:01 GMT

is a dandy enough time to reflect on my new position, or disposition. i dunno. I guess since my move up here, I've constantly felt, to a certain extant, on edge. Mostly i think its cause i'm on the cusp of a whole bunch of different social worlds. some are new, mostly through school. it's funny how much i actually enjoy school now. sitting on campus people watching, and hearing tid bits of conversation, almost makes me lough out loud. i've also come to the conclusion that i'm not as pissed off, or maybe exclusive? and i've come across a whole section of kids at fuckin school who are genuinely rad, definately need to hang out with them folk more. it's wack, man. i think i desperately want my variouos social worlds to collide, but without me having to be the mitigating force behing the catastrophy of a party that would likely be. moving back to the lou feels like a ghost city. all these various memories of people, and even places, that are no longer around, but they fucking haunt me, but thankfully i've done a good job of not letting 'em discolor my pretty cheerful outlook i got with my new role. besides, without school how would i be living so large and so non-working right now? financial aid checks are a thousand times better than food stamps. financial aid checks can fund road trips, and a time honored way to help foster a positive mental outlook-wizard.

and so it goes?

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 10:58:00 GMT

just woke up from a sickly dream where i was perusing a petting zoo on the roof of a HUGE skyscraper, and was being berae to ride a goat around the edge. i can get takled into anything by the right person, even in my dreams.

branched out and found decent roots in columbia again, people have calmed down a bit and grown wiser it'd seem

the slaughterhouse feels empty without a shitload of peeps sitting around, but Mikey Offender said that we had the cleanest punk house he'd seen in a long time. "it's pretty nice, for not being a squat" the fuck does that mean?

good feedback is rad.

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 11:35:13 GMT

getting settled in saint louis right now feels like i'm getting my life back on track.

i have ridden my bicycle to every single one of my classes.
i'm back in school period.
i'm living in quite possibly the best living situation I've ever put myself in
tonite i hung out with my friend Lauren, who left SLU after our first year. She was amazing. She told me I looked happy. when pressed for more details on how she could tell, she told me she'd never seen me stand up as straight and "confident" as I do now, and i that I have a peculiar twinkle in my eye, and it wasn't from the booze. yet.

i also got yet another compliment about my resemblence to an extra from braveheart.

i probably got a job at a coffee shop on campus, which is a prime opportunity to dick around.

have several projects rolling, predominately making sure i get more out of life than life gets out of me.

don't stop rocking in the free world. also, if your ever plan on stopping by st. louis, or are already here, feel free to swing by and check out "the office"

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 09:19:55 GMT

sober men don't dance.

oh man!

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 09:30:48 GMT

these past time in KC since I got back from my trip have been such a fucking blast. damnit, the ability to have practice just charges every essence of my bein' into a beam of fuckin radness.
best trip to Lawrence ever. fucking sweet to catch up with the COMO rad kids, hopefully Matt'll hook up the band tats soon. playin the show has made me unable to sleep, i'm still freaking over it. Iron Lung destroyed. and somebody told me I have a pretty face, and then bit me on the shoulder.

Wed, 18 May 2005 08:38:24 GMT

I was gonna post something about not being able to sleep cause I'm anxious about this trip i'm embarkin' on thursday morn. kc to stl to graceland motherfucks. no car, no motorcycle. we'll see how this ends up. best part is iron lung at the end of the rainbow when i plan on gettin backs. but, my computer froze and i lost what i was gonna say, and don't feel like it anymore, but i still am compulsively.

it bothers me that i've been to busy lately to work on any old or new stories. i can't ride this putting out one issue thing for long. new and exciting! summer!

i guess, up the punx?

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 23:49:58 GMT

anyone wanna trade books? or at least trade ideas on what books to read next?

accomplishments

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 06:31:50 GMT

I fucking love spring time.

fucking blast

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 04:24:55 GMT

this weekend goddamn ruled.

friday got drunk as gentlemen with Ben, larry, and Gil on some fancy-lad whiskey sours and smokin' out of an apple pipe. handin out my zine was incredibly intimidating, but I managed to do it. as for the rest of the nite, too much has already been said about that...eesh.

saturday fucking ruled even harder. gotten woken up by Thraknar to go to big dude's, which is neither big or full of dudes, unless you count shitty ones, and I don't. Columbia was fucking rad to see so many friends from afar. the eatin' rats kids gave me a slayer patch and a handful of joints. though keith stuck to his claim of swearing off the life giving force of the space bag. gettin pizza was much better than going to some columbia bar. drinking a shot of gin after two hours of sleep was much better Sunday than James waking me up with the siren of the mega-phone.

going to a bar was interesting, and I imagine I'll probably do it again, but it just seemed so wierd and like I shouldn't have been there. ah well. who the fuck drew a swastika on my stomach after I passed out sunday night?

spring time

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 03:00:25 GMT

passed my motorcycle class today. in conjunction with a driver's license, i am legally permitted to ride a motorcycle on any street, highway, or thorough-fare. fuck yea.

the first issue of No Idea(s) is also done. i'll more than likely have a few copies on my person this weekend, and one's yours for a modest donation or appreciative gesture. fuck yea

it's been a minute

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 03:24:21 GMT

rode home from Penn valley on my bike. I didn't feel like stopping, so I kept riding, switching from Wornall to the bike trail. Previously John Navarre and I had begun to explore the "green zone", meaning danger. and by danger, they mean that the trail crosses Troost. You know it's dangerous because it told me to carry a cell phone. as it turned out, i didn't walk into the danger zone, i think the cell phone was just so have someone to talk to cause the usual assemblage of brookside peoples are afraid of the green zone. go figure. the green zone, and the area up to it were the nicest parts of the trail, winding through behind wornall, showing an awesome amount of graffiti-addorned buildings.

also, it's wierd to hear people talking about me. i was walking out of class, and i could hear this group of black girls going "uh... that looks nasty." another answered "white boy's trying to grow dreads." i aint trying, i've had dreads. pssh. shows what they know.

everyone in the world should come to columbia April 16 for the robots/dick cheney's dick/awesome show and stick around for the party at Lisa and Chris' tower, where at the stroke of midnite i begin to drink the town of columbia dry, cause the johns will both finally be 21.

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 20:32:43 GMT

I need an editor. anyone know an english major with some spare time?

Weathered

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 04:06:19 GMT

He inhaled sharply on his cigarette.
“Ya know” he began as he exhaled, “when I was younger…”trailing off to take a drag on his cigarette. He didn’t say another word, his whole attention intent on smoking his cigarette, as if he couldn’t breathe properly while not smoking.
“I guess” he said, pausing to exhale” when I was your age we could still see the sky. Of course this was before the war. Hmm? No, sure there’s still a sky, but it’s not like before, never will be…used to be nothing like watching the girls walk by on a sunny spring day. Just sitting, smoking cigarettes, letting the sun soak into your bones. “
The old man had to stop talking as he began coughing. His entire body shook as his throat attempted to dislodge decades of cigarette tar.
“’Scuse me. This old body just isn’t what it used to be. After Wall Street dropped the bomb that October, I never thought I’d get old enough to have to worry about pissin’ on myself again. No, sir. Not with all that dust that was kicked up flyin’ through the air. Horrible stuff, the taste of it wouldn’t leave your lips no matter how much water ya drank.”
“What’s that? Oh, no, I don’t recall the details. I do know we dropped the bomb after a while, ended the whole thing. The soil in the Midwest turned into cyclones, like in the desert. Destroyed whole towns, families. President was supposed to have all the answers, but folks kept starving. Now we get no sun, zealots walkin around talkin about the rapture..
“Mr. Johnson?” Nurse Jennings called to the man staring out a window overlooking the city on a cloud-less fall day.
“Mr. Johnson, I know the leaves are pretty, but you need to take your pills. Mr. Johnson? Mr. Johnson?”
Finally the nurse gave up and forced the few pills down the old man’s throat one at a time. “Dementia cases are so sad” Nurse Jennings’s sighed as she walked back to the nurses’ station.
The old man lit another cigarette, letting the smoke from his previous cigarettes, which was still burning in the ash tray, filter up around his face, clouding his vision as much as age had his mind.

I struck gold!

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 07:29:35 GMT

a sledge hammer covered in vomit might quite possibly be the most formidable weapon ever. it is both physically and psychologically intimidating.
come on, who wants to be hit with a sledge hammer or puke, and even worse, both.

recurring dream

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 17:16:42 GMT

or nightmare to be accurate. I lost or permanently mangle my left hand in some sort of accident, rendering me unable to play drums.
then it gets worse. slowly my friends stop calling or hanging out cause I can't play drums anymore. it hurts so much for that to happen, that every time i have this dream, i'm awake for the rest of the night. it's fucked.
I am worthless without those drums.